What God’s Peace Can Do
On July 20th, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant. On August 1st, the bleeding started, and we went to the doctor to get things checked out making sure everything was okay. My hCG was on the lower end, but still in normal range, and from what we could see then, things looked reassuring. I was told to come back on Monday to get more blood work done and monitor my hCG increase, but on Sunday, August 4th, I woke up around 5AM to heavier bleeding, cramping, and a gut feeling that something wasn’t normal. I picked up Davis early from duty and we headed to the emergency room. More blood work, testing, and waiting. After being there for almost 5 hours, the doctor came in and told us that my hCG levels had fallen, and that from what the ultrasounds showed, this looked to be an ectopic pregnancy.
For those that aren’t familiar, an ectopic pregnancy means that the baby is located outside of the uterus, whether that be in a fallopian tube or somewhere else in the abdomen, but most commonly, in a fallopian tube. Ectopic pregnancies are not viable pregnancies as babies are meant to grow and be protected by a uterus. This then can become a danger to the mother, as with its inviability comes the risk of abruption (which is life threatening and requires emergency surgery), natural miscarriage, or treatment with methotrexate, a drug used to stop the growth of splitting cells/stop the baby from growing, thus forcing a miscarriage.
In my case, my liver enzymes were measuring a little high, and to avoid the risk of causing liver damage by taking methotrexate, at that time, the option given to me by the doctor was surgery that very same day. What a whirlwind of information all at once. I felt the same way hearing and experiencing this news; a list of many firsts for me: first time being pregnant, first (and we pray last) time losing our baby, first time hearing I needed to prepare for surgery, etc.. But as sad and intense as it is, it’s important for me to write this down to remember even more so all the goodness, safety, security, and peace I’ve felt in going through this process. God’s works will continue to outshine the dark spots of that day, and I’m blessed and excited to have them on record in my own words.
After getting this news and while a number of other doctors were discussing our case, Davis and I had some time to just sit with each other going over it in our minds, discussing next steps, and leaning on each other for support. It was sweet, and quiet, and sad, but it gave me a new area to be even more grateful to be married to and parent with a man like him. The doctor came back in with her attending supervisor to talk to us about what could happen next. They said that because my hCG had dropped from about 600 on Thursday to 140 on Sunday maybe surgery wasn’t necessary, but since it was still higher than what would have made them comfortable to send me home, they’d want to admit me into the hospital overnight for observation and to collect more labs to monitor the hCG decrease. We were much more inclined to this option than the others and agreed that watching and waiting was best at that time. So they admitted me, and the routine covid test I took before being admitted into the hospital came back positive; hilarious and much needed comic relief as I hadn’t even had symptoms yet..
Once we were settled in the room, it was pretty much just a waiting period until morning. We watched some YouTube, played the card game War, and watched Daddy’s Home with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlburg. The next morning, more labs were taken and we got the news that my hCG had dropped 50 points overnight, and my doctor said she was comfortable with sending me home and watching the decline by new labs every few days. I was told that the risk of abruption was no longer there, and that gave more confirmation for the peace of mind I had already been given. I was discharged, and we were sent home.
As we were walking out of the hospital to the car, that’s when I started feeling sad and honestly weird. Because the entire experience was pretty surreal, this was the first time I felt the true weight of the situation. How I can word it now after having time to think about it is that we had gone to the hospital believing for better, knowing that God always speaks a better word and has good plans for us. We also knew that something was probably wrong and that myself and the baby needed to be taken care of. What we were hoping for may not have turned out exactly the way we thought, but there wasn’t a moment I didn’t feel extremely well taken care of or like we were anything but perfectly safe. And although we left the hospital not having our child here with us anymore, I knew they were safe with our Father, that they never felt any pain, and that all they’d ever know is Love. And knowing that for myself, I had a couple questions for the Lord become prominent in my mind:
Do they know we’re their parents?
Are they happy about it?
I wasn’t really expecting these questions to be answered in any specific manner, or maybe even before getting to Heaven one day, but I believe God gave me this vision:
Our child arrives into Heaven, immediately being greeted and embraced in the arms of God the Father; they’re talking about what’s happened and asking questions about Davis and me. God starts telling them all about how much we love them and have prayed for them. I imagine God tells them the specific prayers we’ve prayed, about the relationship we have with Him, and about His love for us, too. They smile at each other, and I can feel that both of them are happy about us as parents, but also, and more importantly, proud of us as children of God, who continue to pursue godly lives and His kingdom, remaining faithful to Him through trials and heartache. Through the sadness, I feel comfort and peace. Yes, exactly the kind that surpasses all understanding.
We made it back home, and from there we’ve been processing and healing. Along with the miracles we saw in the hospital, He’s also given us great people to come around us that truly love and help take care of us. They mourn when we mourn and rejoice when we rejoice. More than that, we have a Great Counselor and Comforter always present that is concerned with and has invested into every aspect of our lives. He is in control and knows exactly what to provide and when to provide it.
I had a friend come over to talk about things and check in. She knew the gist of what had happened and had been praying for us, but some details needed to be filled in. Once I explained how I felt and what God had done, one of the first things she mentioned to me was my surrender to the Lord. It made me think of “pre-surrendered-to-Jesus Ashlyn,” knowing that she would have reacted entirely differently, because she was entirely different. And I put in a lot of work to evolve into who I am today as someone who still has to be reminded, time after time, to surrender everything to Jesus, even when it scares her, and that you can be no safer anywhere else than when you’re in God’s hands. The work that I’ve done has only been made possible by the strength, guidance, wisdom, conviction, and discipline of the Holy Spirit. I can’t take credit for anything other than the choice to cling ever so tightly to Jesus, and yet He was (and is) also pursuing me with even more vigor and determination. I can’t ever tell you enough about the goodness of God. It feels like what John says at the end of his gospel, “Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written.” (John 21:25 NLT).
I think we’ve been coming out of a time in which miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies aren’t talked about. They’ve been pushed away and avoided because of shame and pain attached to them, which makes all the sense in the world. But that shame and pain isn’t ours to carry, and certainly not alone. Facing the reality of what happened isn’t nearly as scary knowing what when you have Jesus, you’ll never face anything alone again. Because the reality is that even parents who’ve lost their precious babies are still parents. I know Davis and I will be a good dad and mom to our future kids, too, and although we haven’t been able to hold or raise our children yet, I know we’re being prepared for the opportunity and responsibility of leading them in the Way in which they should go. The Lord has been talking to me about it more specifically since last year, but He has been molding me into the woman He has planned for me to become since I surrendered my life to Him years ago. And even before that, He carefully and intentionally knit me together in my mother’s womb. By continuing to become who He has intended for me to be and abiding in His Word, my family will be blessed and blessings to others in turn. The fruits that come from His vine don’t only serve one person, but enrich the people around them. That’s the beauty of His command to be fruitful and multiply; it’s an avenue in which His Good News, Gospel message can be sent out. His heart is to draw all of us nearer to Him, and He desires to give us all that comes with knowing Him as His children. That’s the goal of our relationship with Him: to love Him, be loved by Him, and love our neighbors in a way that witnesses about the depth of the love of God.
Psalm 103:2-5
Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!
Isaiah 9:6
For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
John 14:27
I am leaving you with a gift– peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
Psalm 91:1-4, 14-16
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. [...] The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.
Jeremiah 20:9
But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord or speak his name, his word burns in my heart like a fire. It is like fire in my bones! I am worn out from trying to hold it in! I can’t do it!
1 John 3:23
And this is his commandment: we must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us.
love & be loved,
Ashlyn
