I blacked out when my husband proposed.

Fears and phobias are annoying and frustrating, … and normal. Everyone is scared of something, whether they know what the object of that fear is or not. We’re wired to be scared of some things rightfully, like sharks, lions, snakes, and probably the most popular ones: death and pain. They are useful in those cases! I’m grateful to be able to feel when things don’t seem right or safe, for the warning signals. But sometimes the warning signals go off when your now husband is down on one knee proposing marriage (and that wasn’t because I wasn’t sure I wanted to marry him!).

A picture: 

The moment I’ve waited for 7 years is finally at hand, and yes, I’m excited. Of course I am! I love him, and he loves me, and we want to marry each other and have babies and date each other forever and be useful to the Kingdom together AND… I also black out. Like I know what just happened, but I didn’t see it happen. He’s standing up from his knee and putting the ring on my finger, so I must have uttered some word of agreement, and I meant to! A win!! I wasn’t scared of getting married to Davis, I wasn’t scared while he was down on one knee, I wasn’t scared to tell my family, or celebrate, or plan a wedding or walk down the aisle to him. But I did feel fear, and it’s sad because I was excited in my heart, but my brain was sending inappropriate warning signals instead of shooting off confetti and popping champagne. 

You know when babies are scared of fireworks? They’re so far away from us, high in the sky, but they’re loud. They draw your attention. And if you can’t see the colorful bloom of the sparks, they kinda sound like gunshots, like danger. Something to really be afraid of, especially when they’re loud, and you can’t see where the shooter is. That’s what it felt like when I dealt with anxiety right then. The fireworks were going off in celebration, but I couldn’t see them because I was turned around frantically looking for the gunman to run the opposite way. The disconnection between my heart and my brain was apparent.

It’s nerve wracking in itself to have an alarm go off, and not be able to decipher the code or find the off switch. At this point, I had been dealing with anxiety for over a year, but I wasn’t convinced that’s what it was. I thought something was physically wrong with me and that in those moments I was inches away from dying. You need fight and flight. They’re there to save your life in dangerous situations. You need adrenaline to push you through those moments and give you strength and/or speed you didn’t know you had. But when they’re running through your body and your brain stops making a distinction between fear and excitement, there’s an obvious and blaring issue. It makes the exciting times fearful and stressful, and makes the fearful and stressful moments exponentially worse. And because I wasn’t convinced I was dealing with anxiety, it took longer to treat properly and my coping mechanisms were unhealthy, to say the least. Once I was finally humble(ed) enough to believe the doctors (after they ran just about every reasonable test possible), I wanted a quick fix. I tried medication, speaking with a social worker, changing my diet, looking for non toxic everything, meditation, yoga, deep breathing exercises, reading entire (“romance,” but essentially porn) books in 7-9 hour stretches, everything that “social media doctors” and real life doctors would tell me to do for about a year and a half. 

Then one night, I was alone in our apartment a little over a month after moving to Japan. That time had already been painful and full of uncomfortable changes that made me feel so anxious and such a slave to my thoughts and the physiological responses to them that I was truly at my wits’ end. I had been crying in bed on and off every night, and Davis was underway for a few days. I was tormented with pictures of suicide that made me feel terrified and out of control, I was sacred to get out of bed because I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t want to live like that any longer, and I also didn’t want to die. My fear of death  was the entire reason I was anxious in the first place!! So I did what anyone in a real bind does, I cried– no screamed– for God to please, please help me. To take everything away that removed Him from my mind. Here’s what I wrote:

I’ve been in Japan for a month and a week, and this is the first time I’ll admit I’ve been struggling. It’s confusing because I like Japan and I’m happy to be here with my husband. At the same time it also feels like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the horrible thoughts and feelings to rise up again and take over. I’ve been avoiding them, but I think I need to start actively fighting against them. And I don’t want to do that alone. I know I’m not alone. God’s covering me at all times, I just need to reach for Him more. The fear can be so loud. Saying that feels like I’m admitting defeat, but I will NEVER do that. I will NEVER NEVER NEVER do that. They won’t win. They can’t beat me and God and His army of friends to me. I’m NOT alone. I’m safe in His arms. 

Lord, I’m grateful to be Yours. Thank You for Your consistency in everything, and especially in Your love for me. You know everything. I can’t and don’t want to hide from You. Please convict me when needed. Speak to me. You mean everything. I give You everything. The pain, shame, loneliness, doubt, fear, anxiety, all that tries to remove You from my mind, take it away. Thank You for Your listening ears, seeing eyes, and loving heart. Thank You for being my Father. For being there always and forevermore. For always acknowledging me as Your child. I will trust You at all times. Remind me in those moments, and all the rest, that I can rest in You. That I can reach out for You to calm my mind. Give me the strength to share with others, especially my husband. And I ask that You would soften his heart to be receptive and supportive. It would make me feel even less alone. I need his love and support. I can’t wait to see this prayer answered. I love You. Amen. Hallelujah. 

<3 Ashlyn

A month later I was involved with the base’s PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) group and I started going to a ministry called the Lighthouse, run by Cadence International. I started working as a teller at the bank on base, moved us into base housing, and started seeing a behavioral health social worker tri-weekly. The Lord made a way out of the wreckage for me. I didn’t feel 100% after that, but I continued to progress. Not in a linear way; healing isn’t always linear. But I put my faith in Jesus and what He could do for me after 23 years of relying on myself, my family, friends, material things, and the world. He met me where I was at, and He didn’t shame, accuse, or turn away from me. He said, “You can’t do this alone, and you weren’t meant to. Give it to me, I have something better than you could ask, think, or imagine.” I read the Bible with a different, genuinely interested approach, and found it to be true, THE TRUTH. Never once have I put my hope in God and had Him fail me. In tangible ways, I have seen Him meet my needs. I’ve prayed prayers I never told anyone about, and watched Him show up over and over again. The gratitude, character, patience, peace, faith, confidence, strength that has been cultivated in my life as a product of what I’ve gone through is an act of God. The transformation I went through could not be denied, and I understood who it was that made me whole again.

The connection I was made to have with my heavenly Father was restored through faith in Jesus Christ by His grace, and mending that connection was the first stage in healing the disconnection between my heart and my head. Between my mind and my body. Between excitement and anxiety. I was no longer wandering aimlessly trying to find the potential right answers to best take care of myself because I could finally trust that there was Someone out there who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it, and WANTED to provide for me out of genuine, pure love. I had finally been able to taste and see what it was like to be loved by God. 

love & be loved,

Ashlyn